Dear Mr. Wallace,
Recently a friend, like me a victim of Planktonitis, brought to my attention the work being done to educate the public about this insidious disease and government efforts to cover it up. This same friend suggested that you, by day a mild mannered real estate broker, might be able to get in touch with Planktonitis Man. He alluded to a similarity between you and a Mr. Clark Kent. Since I dont know Mr. Kent, the similarity was lost on me. In any event, Im sure both you and Mr. Kent are very nice men. I would appreciate it if you would forward my message to Planktonitis Man.
Dear Planktonitis Man, Thank you for your courageous effort to bring Planktonitis to the publics attention. I look forward to the day when an educated public will cease to look at people like me and snicker. We will no longer be forced to live in Planktonitis Colonies, isolated from the outside world. I dont know which is worse, the disease itself or the governments effort to sweep it under the rug as though it never existed. Had he been elected, Im sure that John McCain would have exposed the left wing conspiracy - perpetrated by long haired, pierced eared, tofu touting, fitness freaks - to subvert the truth. Its well known in the Halls of Congress, as reported in the Washington Times, that these Woodstock Wannabes are supported by a constant flow of under-the-table cash from health food stores, fitness centers and producers of Sunday Morning Infomercials. These fifth columnists would see us replace Apple Pie (with whole milk) and Motherhood with Rice Cakes and Day Care Centers - Chocolate Chip Cookies with Granola Bars. I myself worked with a man who, as intelligent as he was, was taken in by the constant onslaught of misinformation put out by these fiends. This otherwise courageous man, a man among men, twice decorated for bravery, would not go to lunch with his fellow men for fear that he would be forced to eat "Manly Man Food", things like pizza and cheese burgers. Instead he cowered in his office, reduced to eating little melon balls out of a tupperware container. Due to his total disregard for the need to ingest copious quantities of the four major food groups (salt, sugar, fat and preservatives), he slowly withered before our eyes. It was a heartbreaking sight.
Bless you again kind sir for taking up our cause. I look forward to the day when I can wear my cellulite as a badge of courage - when I can come out of the pantry - when I can look a man in the eye and say "Been there, eaten that." This website is based on the theory that millions of people throughout the world gain weight, not because of the meals they eat, but because of the microscopic organisms that are in the air they breathe. Just like the whales in the oceans who get much of their sustinence from microscopic organism like Plankton, the PAO believes that millions of people gain weight because they too (just like the whales) are getting extra sustinence from microscopic organisms that they breathe in, hence the name: PLANKTONITIS. The purpose of this website will be to examine all aspects of this theory (including the connection to whales and the possibility that weight gain is due to a virus) and to publish the results.